You give me life!

This morning I woke up...

Clicked on pandora...

Oddly the next thing I hear is Closer by Goapele... Of all songs!

I feel like the song just took all the emotions out of my soul and sang out in the song.

At that moment my body was just filled with life... Just the simple need to wannna just live out the very dreams that haunt me for not going after them...

Jesse Boykins III

Mmmm Chile... I will get this man pregnant!



Enjoy!

My mind is....

Deeper than the deepest ocean...

This morning I'm up thinking about my life and those in it, as well as the things that have happened in 09. There were many good times and a few bad but overall this was a year of learning experiences and a finding of self. Rick and I had our ups and downs and he is currently at a place where neither him nor I want him to be, nonetheless, I am at a point where I understand that I cannot live for anyone but me and my sanity comes first.

Another moment of reflection is how my friend circle has drastically changed for the better and smaller. Oddly allowing me to enjoy my own company and thoughts. Plus I have the courage to step out the box as far as men go and venture to the man of maturity and stability. For those that know me... It is sooooo good to talk to some one that is of their own.

Now to the most important reflection before my sleepy self drifts off... Lol!

Me!... Duh! There is so much that has changed and still changing within this woman. I am so proud of some of the things I picked up over time and some things well... Not so much, but all in all I am blessed to be me and no one else! From the crazy curls growing from my head to the the bottom of my sneaker and heel wearing feet! If there is anything this year has taught me... It was that my life belongs to me so why not live it like it is! So in the year(s) to come you will see more of this beautifully flawed and divine woman shine and grow, hopefully we all enjoy the ride!

Well that's all for now I guess I will hit yall at a later time cuz a chica is madd tired!


Sooo peace, love, and positive soul vibrations!
*Rae*
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Say yes...

Well hello to all my blog readers out there! It is now the end of the worst... A.k.a holidays. Lol!

Like some of you out there my Christmas was just a real chill christmas, nothing major and no big hoopla to be told it was just a usual dinner and family time. I invited my ex over in hopes that he would feel a tad bit better about his situation and also because I do care about him. Sadly he managed to make me feel as crappy as he by the time he left. None the less there was no love lost just a lil re- evaluation in order. Sometimes I wonder why I continue this nerve racking cycle and my only answer is because I have a heart and I hate to see people assed out. Sadly for him my patience is running thin... Not because of his situation but the way he reacts to it and the way he acts towards me. Maybe he will understand, but more than likely not. This will only be another sprinkle of words for him to throw back at me and by then I may not even care any more. Anywho on to bigger and better!

Love yall!

*Rae*
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

At your best and worst u are love

Well lemme say this year has been one hell of a year! Sadly today of all days was the day I broke down. So I was watching a show I usually stay away from, Intervention. It made me face a painful truth. That so many people die from their addictions and it always hurts the family the most. I dunno about my brother and sister but I am truly still fucked up about my fathers death. I never thought I would be so hurt, but I am still. I wish it was he that was seeking the intervention and making it. Not me sitting here putting on the poker face as if all is well. Man there was so much I needed to know from him!

Then to top it of yesterday was the day my Grandmother died. Now most people are like wow that's Grandma but me... No that was my best friend and worst enemy. She is the main reason I am as great and as fucked up as I am. It hurts to recall such good memories and have to acknowledge the bad ones as well. I am just feeling the pain right now cuz she and I were on bad terms when she died and I truly hate that. I loved her to death but she had so many issues to deal with that we clashed. I miss her soooo much though. If only I could have told her I'm sorry and I love her for one last time....

Hell this is why I hate the holidays they make me face some of the worst shit in life... Well I'm off to bed yet again. No worries I'm still in my state of Divinity just remembering how I got here is just painful sometimes.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Changes

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Look at me now, Daddy!

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Happy Birthday Daddy

Happy birthday Daddy! Your daughter is grown and still growing. She is beautiful and healthy, she made some mistakes and bad choices but nothing love and time can't heal. I wanna say that I am living up to my fullest potential, but I'm not as of now. Indeed that will soon change.

Daddy there is soo much to tell... Like how me and that boy are no longer together nor talking. Lol! It was a good run, but even you could have seen he wasn't the one for me.

Oh... And I'm following my heart and attempting music again. So that makes two of us Niki and I. Lol! Sometimes I think about you when I see people on the street and then I get an empty feeling in my heart... I want soo badly for you to be here so Granny can stop being sad every holiday and so Aunty can have one less thing to be stressed about...

I know it seems selfish but why did you have to leave me so soon. There was so much I needed to know from you and now I will never know... Its ok I will continue to push on the best I can hoping and praying that it is the right way to go...

Love Always your baby girl
*Rae*

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Bad girls club

Sometimes when I watch this show it makes me think am I one to make it on the show... Then I snap to reality and say to my self that all that would drain me to the point of no end. Hmmmm so bad gurls club can just remain to entertain. Lol!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Faceless Hero

I saved you from yourself and you never even thanked me.
Its ok cuz you never even knew you were in danger.
I loved you from a distance and watched you grow, making my self the faceless hero.
I was there for you at your best and worst moments lurking in the expected breaths you took for granted.
I have waited my whole life for you to embrace me and you never did.
I was the driving force that helped you get through college.
I was the poise that landed you the job you dreamed.
Yet still I remained nameless.
I was the man you let go, the child you aborted, and the angel that held your hand when you made the careless decisions.
I was the warning you got when you saw the one you loved in the casket.
So when will you acknowledge me?
What will it take for you to put a face to me?
Do i have to take the things you hold dear?
Yes!
This faceless hero has made a name for him self all thru your life, but now you will know me as...
Death,
Life,
Time,
and Love....

the faceless hero.

State of the Mind Address *Revisited*

I know there is nothing better than realizing that you can do nothing but be yourself.
No!
I am no glamour diva, no trapstar queen, nor am I the woman who needs to have & rule everything.
I am beauty in my best beholding, love in the beginning stages, and a person that can make mistakes admit them and go on.
I am one that has learned that apologies need not be wasted on the ones you feel hold, no shame cuz there is always 2 wrongs in the life and game...


To those you cherish follow your heart...
Not your friends and family's feelings cuz they simply don't feel for you.
Love cuz you wanna love and how you wanna love them cuz when they're gone there is no one to ease the pain you have of of a true love lost... friends and lovers alike.
Look back at the past and see your mistakes and learn from them cuz doing it again is emotional suicide...

I wish I had paid this advice attention before I lost sooo many that I love to another persons opinion. Thank God they still love me and accept me flaws and all, they are with me through this growing process and not out to get anything more than a better lover, friend, and family member. To those I let go of or let go of me... Maybe the love will come around but right now only a fool would let it manifest into what it once was.

~Rae~

New beginning

Ok... So I'm back!
I just took a look back at the last blog...
I really didn't like where its was going so here is a new one!
Its a lot more positive and less drama filled.

Enjoy!